There used to be times when I thought I might just as well kill myself, though something inside me never could take that seriously. That was actually quite annoying. I wanted to do at least this suicide thing right, but I wasn’t even capable of that. I thought then, that this made me an utmost failure and a born loser. But I wasn’t. In fact it made me a born survivor.
I remember, as a little child, becoming aware of the fact that my crying was not quite honest, that I might be overdoing it. No matter how painful an experience or situation may have been, I was never completely involved. Of course, I didn’t want to acknowledge this, but I never felt totally devastated.
Another phenomenon I didn’t want to see at first, is that at the moment of a painful incident or accident I was much more free from fear than in the aftermath. It was always the thought after it had happened that gave the experience its emotional color. It wasn’t easy to tell the story as I really experienced it, because nobody would believe that in the accident itself I was not feeling pain or fear. It seems simply not done to speak lightly about such a thing. Fear is a conspiracy against the truth. Accidents are not treated as they are, but as they should be, painful and fearful.
The element of light in every moment is to be denied or considered to be of no consequence. But the fact that I survived, that I was not annihilated, is exactly because of this light, that could never be affected.
Becoming aware of this element of light means becoming aware of the reality of my inner core, my spirit. My past is not about any real moment. Every real moment, not colored by my thought, still stands free from the past.
My past is only the drama I construed around every moment of freedom. To blot this freedom out of awareness an overdose of judgment was administered. The thoughts and images brought forth by my judgment were more easily accepted as my reality and as far more nourishing for my self-pity.
Judgment is a declaration of separation, which will never lead to independence. It separates me from my essence, from others and from the whole and so cannot set me free. It believes in the difference between cause and effect. Always something or somebody, be it myself, has to be blamed, has to feel guilty, making me dependent on feelings of guilt. Its vision is too narrow to take the whole into account. Unconditional love is beyond its comprehension, as that would mean forgiveness, the end of judgment, and real freedom. It denies my true responsibility and co-creatorship. It is the complete denial of what I am. Hell is its creation. If my thought would be guided by a sense of oneness, as in spontaneous moments of innocence it is, it would create heaven instead of hell. It’s that simple and nothing is more practical.
What am I going to do about this insight?
Will I spend my energy in playing more personal dramas or will I accept the fact that the light that is sought in enlightenment and such, is already a reality in my first experience of every moment? How far should God stay away from me, now at this moment?
My judgment is what really hurts and I am the one who is suffering from it. I am not a victim of my past, as my judgment would make me believe. That’s a real make-up.
Am I willing to accept the responsibility for my unhappiness and my freedom? Nobody can give me what I already have. If I let go of my judgment, I stand free.