Aug 222001

What I want to see in myself is what I will make manifest in the world. If my manifestation is not clear it’s because I’m still confused about what I really want. Conflicts without are only witnesses to a conflict within. Because the nature of love is sharing the eternal reality of abundance, I can only find true love by sharing it freely from within. There is no lack of anything except what I have not given.

If blaming something or someone is my way of accounting for everything that’s ‘wrong’ I can be sure it’s not love but guilt I choose to see within. Guilt started with the fear of having done something terribly wrong myself. The innocent cannot see guilt anywhere. On the other hand even the idea of innocence is unsupportable to one who is tormented by feelings of guilt. So, guilt has to exist within in order to perceive it outside. The same goes for love, of course. Although love is all encompassing reality I have to allow it in to make it manifest. The world is what I share from within.

What could I possibly have done to develop such a persistent fear in myself? It sure looks like something is basically and irreparably wrong; otherwise guilt couldn’t affect my happiness so thoroughly. Only an attack on joy itself can cause such fear. It must have started as a mad idea, but taking its effect of feeling miserable as proof, I now certainly consider myself capable of separating myself from God – the joyful reality of boundless love, the absolute fulfillment of what I am forever. Haven’t stories in many traditions about the fall from heaven and a paradise lost always found a willing ear?

The thought that I have destroyed what I love most is so unbearable that my guilt has to be immediately projected outside, which is the perfect way to keep the madness of separation going. It is pure madness because what is forever real cannot change. Separation never happened but the madman, that is me, doesn’t believe this, of course.

The projection of guilt is expressed in the insane belief that I can judge another and not be equally affected by this lack of love. A more pronounced symptom of guilt is anger. Since feeling guilty is so unbearable it’s very tempting to lash out in anger in order to make others feel guilty too. Although an angry outburst may give some relief of tension, if it is directed at others it does nothing to provide me with the love that I need so badly and only adds to the fear of having done wrong. When I’m angry with myself I still would like to make others feel what I feel but do not dare to act on it, which only adds to the frustration and makes the anger even worse. My angry thought, however, attacks others just the same, and they know it. Hitting myself sure isn’t a way to share my love.

Let’s have another look at the world I’m sharing with everyone. If pain, violence, sickness and death are a convincing experience here then who is responsible for all this suffering? Could such a world be created by sharing the abundance of love within? Obviously it’s an experience produced by lack of love. Now, who is experiencing this world? Could anyone but me have full command over my mind to make me choose what I do not want? If anyone did really brainwash this innocent mind, this immortal child of joyful abundance, it must have been me. Only when I constantly renew my choice to see guilt within can I keep up such a realm of pain where I am the powerless victim of outside circumstances. This imaginary powerlessness shows that I’m dodging my responsibility for choosing the illusion of guilt rather than the reality of boundless love as my realm of experience.

To facilitate my healing or return to reality I should distinguish between what I am experiencing right now and what I imagine to have happened in the past or what might be happening somewhere else. Every moment I have a choice in what I want to see within so as to experience it in this world, including the kind of memories and fantasies that rush on to occupy my mind right now.

If I have made a habit of thinking separative thoughts all the time why couldn’t I make a habit of thinking loving thoughts? Let’s give up on the idea that I’m being realistic in my judgment of what is wrong. It has nothing to do with reality, thank God. Therefore it can be changed.

No matter how quickly I project my guilt, by seeing myself as separate every day, every minute, I’m only cherishing the illusion of guilt within, not the love I am forever. And that’s what counts in creating my world. In short, if I want to deal effectively with anything ‘evil’ in my world I have to accept that it all starts with what I choose to see here and now, where I have a choice.

 Posted by at 11:36