Sep 152004

I love travelling by buses, dont you? :-) Yesterday I had another “Eureka” moment on the bus. Here goes…

I have come to the realisation that in every moment I have two choices: to express all that I am; or to sabotage all that I am. Whether I am going against what I represent or expressing my truth, it’s always about the same choice. It’s like going on a journey either in a straight line or in a zig zag; it still leads in the same direction.

While I was pondering over this, my attention was drawn to a church spire. Aha, truth is like the spire which gets narrower and narrower, always going in the same direction.

Another way to describe choice is like someone asking you not to think of a pink elephant. You are still going to think of a pink elephant. You can’t not think of something. You are either thinking of something or you are not thinking.

It would seem that the path to knowing and expressing Self is only one choice though it appears as if there are many. I am either going against myself or being myself. I can imagine this applies to everyone. We are all the Infinite One made manifest. Each of us has his/her own unique perception of the Infinite, rather like our unique finger prints. If your name is Jane, your path for eternity is expressing your infinite Jane-ness. Jane is either doing her very best to deny all that she is; or she is spending eternity expressing all that she is. While Jane might take on different masks or personalities, depending on what type of life she is expressing, the core of who she is is her Jane-ness.

You know this realisation is very exciting to me. As I examine how I’ve lived my life, I see a thread that links all. In any moment I am either expressing Enocia; or fighting against myself. You are born into a particular family and the choices begin. The way you are conditioned is either helping you be yourself or helping you deny yourself.

As a young adult, I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. I figured while I was waiting to decide what my purpose in life was, I would spend the time temping. I enjoyed temping at the time because I could be in the office but not of the office. I soon realised that I was also using this opportunity to be all that I am. I had an issue with time. When you are temping, a week seems like a lifetime, at least it did to me. I didn’t realise then that my beliefs and expectations were being mirrored in the assignments I was being given. As time went on, I found time speeding up. I would go on an assignment and my boss would expect me to pick up the job in no time or I would be fired. The more I was pushed the faster I was able to suss things out; and the faster I was able to suss things out, the lower my boredom threshold. After a day I would feel as if I had mastered the job and it was time to move on. It would then occur to me that I was covering for someone who was on holidays or off sick, and that my contract required me to stay until the person returned.

Because more and more was expected of me, which when I think about it, it was actually I expecting more from myself; I used my intuition quite a lot. I would hear a voice telling me how to do such and such, or suggest a report should be done in such a way. And so it continued…until I realised it was time to move on. My penultimate temp job was in the same building as a company I worked for years before, actually my third temp job. My last temp job was two doors away from the first temp job I ever had. That for me was coming full circle. It was time to make the leap to…God knows where…and experience other aspects of Self which were screaming out to be expressed.

I can see now that during the years I temped I wasn’t waiting, I had been expressing Self all along by learning to trust in my Self, and realising that time is nothing but a construct. You are never waiting, you are always acting in the moment. Even when you are not doing, you are doing.

About a week ago, I received an email from a friend. I was going through a feeling of “I don’t know who I am,” or “what is truth?” I emailed him expressing my existential angst. I said I was going to take time out, not write for while, and figure this thing out. I took time out and figured it out and after an hour I wrote a piece about it and moved on. In another reality, that hour could have extended to months or years. It doesn’t need to take time to accomplish anything. You can experience everything in one moment and by the next one it is all resolved and you move on.

By the way, dear friend, if you are reading this and have been wondering how come I didn’t take time out as I said I would, I did, in no time. :)

Back to choices. I’m thinking, if there is only one choice as such, that I am either expressing Self or trying not to express Self, which is still expressing Self, what is freewill? Is there such a thing as freewill? Is freewill another construct? We seem to have freewill to choose what to experience but how can there be choice when it all boils down to the same conclusion? It’s like saying: “you can do anything you want as long as you do it my way.” Hmmm!

It seems to me freewill stems from the notion that one is in parts? If you’re feeling conflicted then it would appear as if a part of you wants to experience A, while another wants to experience B. When you are experiencing yourself as a whole, where you are present 100% in each choice you make, surely in every moment you can only experience the only choice there is: expressing your version of infinity?

Oh well, just a thought.

I end with excerpts from Carlos Castaneda discussing the same thing in his own way.

“Sitting at the back of his house in central Mexico that day, don Juan said that the energy body was of key importance in whatever was taking place in my life. He saw that it was an energetic fact that my energy body, instead of moving away from me, as it normally happens, was approaching me with great speed.

“What does it mean, that it’s approaching me, don Juan?” I asked.

“It means that something is going to knock the daylights out of you,” he said smiling. “A tremendous degree of control is going to come into your life, but not your control, the energy body’s control.”

“Do you mean, don Juan, that some outside force will control me?” I asked.

“There are scores of outside forces controlling you at the moment,” don Juan replied. “The control that I am referring to is something outside the domain of language. It is your control and at the same time it is not. It cannot be classified, but it can certainly be experienced. And above all, it can certainly be manipulated. It can certainly be manipulated, to your total advantage, of course, which again is not your advantage, but the energy body’s advantage. However, the energy body is you, so we could go on forever like dogs biting their own tails, trying to describe this. Language is inadequate. All these experiences are beyond syntax.” ” (The Active Side of Infinity, by Carlos Castaneda, pp.216-217

Best wishes,

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