Oct 282004

Two days ago I experienced an aura, the initial symptom of a migraine headache, when I get partial vision followed by a headache. Not again! The bus I was on was driving past the Arts Centre. I got off the bus and headed for the Poetry Library where I was going to wait for the aura to pass. In the meantime, I heard a Voice repeating the following:

“There is nothing to lose or gain from this experience.” <>

After a few minutes, I stepped over the threshold into the space of silence. This Silence was different from the silence I consciously cultivate. This Silence was inevitable as I appeared to have lost all sense of logic. I tried to read the words from a book I had but they were meaningless words. I had also lost all sense of my world. I didn’t know where I was. I was completely empty. I sat there for what seemed like hours, even though it was only about an hour, and waited for my vision to clear. I could feel pain in my stomach, signifying diarrhoea and nausea, part and parcel of the belief of having a migraine. Before I left the building I paid a visit to the ladies. I was, however, very determined not to be sick.

I needed to have some semblance of logic before catching my buses home. I got on the first bus that came along. I felt as if I was going to pass out but I kept reminding myself that “I am Energy.” I figured if I didn’t think I wouln’t feel sick. It worked. Finally, when I got off my last bus there was still another ten minutes walk home. I was too weak to move, too weak to wait for a taxi. There was only one thing to do – let Energy take me home. I can’t remember how I got home, I just knew I arrived home, dumped my jacket and bag and collapsed on the sofa, where I didn’t move for a few hours. Of course by the next day I was back to my usual self.

What I found interesting about the experience was that I had connected to another part of me. Is it possible that the energy was so intense that I couldn’t translate it in human terms; or do I translate the energy as heat, sickness, headache, nausea etc? When I practised energy healing, we were warned about the power of the energy that can cause sickness but I never could buy into it. How could Love do any harm? Now I think my teacher had a point. It is not that the Energy means any harm, it is how one interprets the Energy that can cause harm. During the whole experience, I was in a split state of mind. Part of me was experiencing the various symptoms as agreed by medicine which threatened to consume me. On the other hand, when I contemplated the Energy as my identity, the nausea vanished. Eventually the headache was healed.

During the experience, I tried to write down my thoughts at the time. When the words and the world meant nothing, I wrote:

“What is important to the is instantaneous it is what is there is.”

Minutes later I wrote:

“You cannot lose them nor can there you gain anything.”

Finally, it became a lot more lucid:

“There is nothing to lose nor is there anything to gain.”

I also wrote: “I am Zerus and from kindrance.”

Later I interpreted this as coming from the planet Zerus where I have a kindrance. Kindrance is not a word I have ever used. I found reference to the word “kindrance” in the poem “In God’s Wood” by Tom Atterberry:

“I began to feel alone
all around now there were people
in a hurry, going nowhere
but my heart was back in the country
I have a kindrance there
Someday soon I will go again
and I would live there if I could
for I feel so at peace
Out there in God’s Woods”

It would seem that the migraine was an exploration of consciousness. As long as I don’t judge the experience as good/bad, that “there is nothing to gain or lose,” I can simply go with the ride and see what happens. Would I choose to experience another migraine? Of course not! Perhaps, I shouldn’t call it “migraine” but a way of expressing self. Besides, I now know how to handle the side-effects of migraine by realising my identity as Energy.

It seems to me that Consciousness speaks and expresses in many languages and forms. It is up to me how I interpret the various expressions of consciousness.

I am Consciousness exploring Consciousness,

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  3 Responses to “An Exploration of Consciousness”

  1. Dear Enocia and Readers,

    This essay reminds me of a similar occurrence I have had with migraines – each of my several migraines over the past 30 years have happened 5 days after the death of a close friend or relative. My opinion is these migraines were a pent-up release of emotional energy.

    Blessings, Susan

  2. Hi Susan et al

    There was a postscript to this migraine experience. It turned out that a dear friend of mine had a migraine around the same time. The next day she checked her mail to see whether I had sent her any articles that would inspire her to not blame herself for the headache and my experience was exactly what she needed to hear. There are some teachings that make you feel as if you are to blame.

    I had another aura the other night signifying another migraine attack. I quickly realised my identity as Energy and it dissolved into energy.

    Appreciate your comments though Susan.

    Love Enocia

  3. You’re welcome :-)